well there are many things that are not going "right" in my life, but complaining about them seems old. I did let the rant out to my sisters though, the only people I share my everything with. Oh and Pete. he is an inocent bystandard to the all of my is that is me. I'd like to think like "oh wahhhh" I'm so very crazy, but no I just can really open up or really stay closed off and it's usually never a happy medium. I truly beleieve that mild manored people who seem to be mild manored all the time also have some raging inferno inside, some just deny it. I think I'm cool casue a mine, and it feels good to blow off steam and be sooooo ridiculous. But I only do it in front of "non threatening people". Yes I have not advanced enough in my spirit to feel non threatened by nobody, and I really wanna loose that. I think it stems from a feeling that people are out there that are really better than yourself,and you don't wanna feel dumb casue you have some low self esteem and feel dumb and of course all fears really seem to go back to a fear of death, or so it says in some books. But look when you see strangers, most people give you that tight lipped, I don't trust you, my guard is up, wide fearful eye look that they try to harden and juxtapose toughness on top. And yes, we do unfortunately live in a world where your little earthly body is in danger of other people wanting to hurt you. But random passers by, store clerks, the guy next to you at the gas pump, the bartender when you walk into a bar, even your friends..look at them, and you will see it. It would be so nice to over come that. Today as I was walking over a bridge in the rain I thought about the fear of dying and I knew that I would be a little worried if I suddenly had a heat attack..even though half of me was like "awesome a solution to my fincial problems!" I knew that there was no way I would ever jump off a bridge, not becasue I wanted to end my life, but to prove I'm not scared of dying. NO, I'm scared of pain, terrible, "oh my head just ripped off" pain, and like, I'm even scared of heights. They lead to femur fracture pain. I guess it's the bodies natural defense against everyone jumping off a bridge when they've hit a rough patch. By that bridge I saw that shoe I wanted to take a picture of ever since I saw it and I was all "Weell good thing I lost my job and my car broke down this morning and I am job searching on foot in a monsoon! or I could never take this picture of this sparkilkily pink shoe that belongs to some infant." then I started laughing telling myself on this journey I can not have any negative talk here, because we've got to get throught this. Then I realized I looked like a wet rat talking in the third person so it sounds like I'm talking to someone else and I'm laughing. Then I was like, well, I'm laughing so it's good. then I started thinking about how people will see things on the side of the road and invent weird over the top stories as to how they got there. Like, my mother used to notice cassette tapes all unwound and in tree branches, so she'd create a little ditty in her head like..blah this tape is SOO lame. looooser. so they stop the car and park it and climb up a tree, and the damn thing FOLLOWS! and it's all RAARRRR i'm gonna eat cha. and then the person is like listen to your daughter's face and stop telling this lame story. lame. as for the pink sparkily shoe, I just imagined a severe car accident and then a baby with these beautiful shoes came poppin fresh out of the windsheild and bounced on the pavement like a stuffed sausage. Like a baby Cinderella sausage. I laughed more.