what bothers me is that I can feel things so deeply that I know intuitively exactly the one material place to look for the answer I need, so I always come fully loaded to the table, and then , this is after dealing with all the excess emotions of knowing too much, trying to calm myself and think rationally, normally, and then try to sit down and meet the event or the person half way in normalsville. but there is no normalsville, there is just a lack of imagination out there. But every once and again when I let things slip it might as well have been blowing in the wind anywho, and I wish it would just take me with it. Nobody seems to want to eat the wind, digest the wind assimilate the wind.
Ive been watching this guy who has, through simple numerology found the equations to find love, god whatever you wanna call it...the force that is everything and how it materializes, numbers are sacred geometry and vise versa, and all the mathmeticians just could not think that simply. 3 6 and 9 are the unseen operating forces. 1 and 8 mirror eachother (9 is "god") where there is one there is 8 mirroring it just like opposing thumbs. but we only have opposing numbers because the zero force sends out three rays 9 being the z axis and 3 and 6, and they cut things between the 1 and 8 (9) 2 and 7, 4 and 5. and it goes round and round, in a coil like thingy. I'm not done watching it, halfway through. but I swear to god the z axis that is nine is going straight through my head and I can seriously feel it and it keeps telling me it's there, like a photo will smash and then there is the pyramid of glass broken out of the frame so the point is at the top of the persons head. I mean yes that's where we connect spiritually to the nine...uhmmm
I woke up telling myself two things, and they were very simple and basic and kind of like duh, but 1. location is chosen by the observer (because physically before you chose which one it is you want to be (and that's how you chose the where) you are everywhere before you chose. but you are actually nowhere before you chose which one. ether. 9=0 in some sense, but not at all, we are the filler for that equation. we are the 0 experiencing the 9.
and the other thing I woke up having to think is that water always knows. yes, it's been proven that all energy has intelligence but there is something about water. it always knows what to do and it takes electricity. so if we are gonna use this 9 and hook up to unlimited energy and the ability to be the "queen on the chess board" as that guy was saying, I think we need to interview water. so you know, that's what will be in my head today at the bar while serving these drinks to these people, how to interview water. because even if I am an 8, there always has to be 1 for balance. thank you invisible 3 and 6. I am gonna interview water though, so I can learn how to move with intent and not just float on air or slide on water. vaporize me. right.
the other thought, well it was more of a realization is that space is an illusion. we are always in the same spot, doing everything at once, the motion of the coils is expanding and retracting, we are simultaneously doing this, so everything which is nothing is eternal and it's all happening in the exact same spot which is nowhere. I can see why 0 was lonely and wanted to create 9 imaginary friends. forever and eternity do not extend forever eternally, they regenerate, on the inside and come back around. forever and a day is in you not outside.
oh screw it let's keep going. this is the reason for everything so let's explain why I only eat RAW fruits and vegetables. Energy has intellegence. our most vibrant life source energy here on the planet purest available is the sun. that knowlegde is locked in fruit and vegetables. Fruit is the highest vibrating thing besides a rose you can ingest. you are literally swallowing all the intellegence of the universe that we can get our hands on. that does alot once it hits the gut. and you can then learn to eat the wind and the sun itself. it's the molecular structure, before you kill it with heat that knows what to do in your body...all false presumptions created in a dense acidic world, like disease, weak genetic predispositions..they disipate. and don't worry about the mind catching up, that's just a computer in your body, it's not you, with this nutrition it will, and your thoughts will recognize truth, because the message is in the energy, not in the material, not in the cells and fluids of your brian, but the energy flowing through it and all the other organs in and around your body. On Stan Lee's super humans, there was a man who could do any math equation in his head before a calculator could even arrive at the answer. it was insane. he was spitting out numbers like .000223459873647612 at a rate where his mouth could barely keep up. and what they saw in his brain was that it was operating from area 44 which is where we locate things, like targets and it makes minute adjustments so that we can quickly and effortlessly locate and zero in on an object. his brain was doing no computations, it was merely locating the answer.they were coming in through the z axis in his head, the 9 that zero created. our brains and bodies are merely the imaginary number friends growing on a vine of the nine. and THAT. THAT is what we are. we are the answer. not the brain. we are the thing that has the answer. the intellegence in the energy. I'm gonna ask water what it thinks about that. riiight after work. oh look this is my ninth post, well number 8 I never posted. it was dumb

we're not trying to be understood. we're trying to have people see what we want to be by learning about ourselves through other people. and that's when the you and me gets blurred. and that's the alchemey of relationships. so it's not entirely selfish becasue nobody is ever a single solid entity energetically. and stuff. lately I've been eating grapes with and onion and raw applae cider vinegar. if you were to ask me how it is I'd be like, "it's good it's good" like when someone asks you how life's been and it feels like the question stabbed you in the belly button, casue your still battleing, with "the life" and all. But I really do like that meal, how I arrived at it is a whole other story and sometimes if the energy of the story will not be met by an audience that has ever experienced the energy levels that brought you to be extremely weird, then it's best left unsaid. or so I've been told, as I was simultaneously learning that. Casue that's how life works, it all comes together at once, and it helps if you put yourself in your selfs place..at no specific time. that's when the magic happens. no spell check tonight, this is creative interpretation. there are heroic intentions on sketchy paths

there is magic is the air that wasn't there just over a month ago. smell the electricity and green dew in the air. look at the moon and the brightest star and all those little stars that have been watching you all along. Maybe we are only beginning to notice them noticing us or perhaps our interest has peaked theirs. The moon says, aw, yes don't try to wake up you meet unconsciousness here. The air says here are your possibilities fresh to you as if they were new, and now that you are not awake or sleep you can choose, leap on my fresh green platforms floating in space. the earth says dig your heels in and spin. grow tall in the sunshine like jacks bean stalk and explore the higher houses of your growing seed.

notes to self

"Great Pumpkin Fiesta 2017"
it's not 2017
"I know but I say what I want when I want to"
no you don't
"I do when I'm alone"
fair enough
"we are gonna make , we are gonna scoop out a pumpkin and then make pumpkin pudding and then put it back in the pumpkin"
anything else
"we are all one. and I'm gonna make that pumpkin pudding with dates and coconut water and perhaps coconut meat" the other day I dropped my chap stick under the feet of my car. actually that's a falsity. just under my feet in my car. it had stuff on it like dirt and leaves, but I still use it. every idea we had helps us further the ideas we were having and that's not good. sometimes you need to find an idea from a spontaneous moment that wasn't connected to the mess of connection before. anything impossible is always possible, because polarity is just the bottom of an 8. and that's why were gonna put 8 dates in our pudding and call it the pumpkin pudding of eternity."
sometimes when you express yourself it alienates me
"Oh peeshaw said the person saying an onimana peea and then telling the other half of themselves to meet at the infinity symbol's midddle....and like stuff, mann."

ah. lately I've found that the only motivation for doing things is enjoyment or the feeling of time crushing me like those compactor walls in Star Wars where Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker are stuck in a garbage compactor. so I'm still with feet on ground, and I think that's good. cause I chose to be here, sometimes I find it disheartening to commit to the cause because everything I want others to understand is otherworldly seeming even though it happens right here on earth. or was that Indiana Jones?

Happy Full Moon. Last night I burned a list that I made during the dark moon of things that I will cultivate. The fire took off with such ferocity that it freaked me out and I stopped half way through and turned on the sink in which I had lit it.then I flushed the rest. During the dark moon I was very comfortable and had money in abundance and was even going to the bathroom in a toilet that had a phone next to it. it wasn't mine but it felt like it for the day. The house also had a movie theater in which my sister and I saw a late night flick. not two days after that I was looking at the prospect of if not for my sister's couch , being homeless, without a car. and I was eating bananas every day to save Money. Banana smoothies to be exact. now here I sit in my new old life with more than enough jobs and plenty to eat and a mind that kind rest with a car that works and a whole new found appreciation for everything in life. and the secret was to see that I was ok before too, but I missed having options. the very options that gave me a vague depression before because of their always being there, and my lack of disision. appearances can be diseving. you know one of the healthiest things you can do is eat bananas for every meal? it actually made me more than healthy. but where was I. I was burning this list, this list that I read every night up to the full moon cultivating the properties in and of my mind and sending them out into the empty space Vietcong for new breath. in a heroic world I would not have woos ed out when the fire got so so big while burning my paper. In a heroic world I would have marched out and lit the thing in my backyard and then thrown it into a small shrub type tree and watched the blaze and the night sky would turn to day ad then smoke would rise up to the heavens. but either way, I;m just as happy. It;s the process not the place your going. but you wont appreciate it anymore than you do right now, and you wont get anywhere that sounds good in a story of fortune without appreciation. This evening I am exploring my options by having movie night with a large salad and I built a fort in my living room, by myself. And I am just as happy as if I hadn't

well there are many things that are not going "right" in my life, but complaining about them seems old. I did let the rant out to my sisters though, the only people I share my everything with. Oh and Pete. he is an inocent bystandard to the all of my is that is me. I'd like to think like "oh wahhhh" I'm so very crazy, but no I just can really open up or really stay closed off and it's usually never a happy medium. I truly beleieve that mild manored people who seem to be mild manored all the time also have some raging inferno inside, some just deny it. I think I'm cool casue a mine, and it feels good to blow off steam and be sooooo ridiculous. But I only do it in front of "non threatening people". Yes I have not advanced enough in my spirit to feel non threatened by nobody, and I really wanna loose that. I think it stems from a feeling that people are out there that are really better than yourself,and you don't wanna feel dumb casue you have some low self esteem and feel dumb and of course all fears really seem to go back to a fear of death, or so it says in some books. But look when you see strangers, most people give you that tight lipped, I don't trust you, my guard is up, wide fearful eye look that they try to harden and juxtapose toughness on top. And yes, we do unfortunately live in a world where your little earthly body is in danger of other people wanting to hurt you. But random passers by, store clerks, the guy next to you at the gas pump, the bartender when you walk into a bar, even your friends..look at them, and you will see it. It would be so nice to over come that. Today as I was walking over a bridge in the rain I thought about the fear of dying and I knew that I would be a little worried if I suddenly had a heat attack..even though half of me was like "awesome a solution to my fincial problems!" I knew that there was no way I would ever jump off a bridge, not becasue I wanted to end my life, but to prove I'm not scared of dying. NO, I'm scared of pain, terrible, "oh my head just ripped off" pain, and like, I'm even scared of heights. They lead to femur fracture pain. I guess it's the bodies natural defense against everyone jumping off a bridge when they've hit a rough patch. By that bridge I saw that shoe I wanted to take a picture of ever since I saw it and I was all "Weell good thing I lost my job and my car broke down this morning and I am job searching on foot in a monsoon! or I could never take this picture of this sparkilkily pink shoe that belongs to some infant." then I started laughing telling myself on this journey I can not have any negative talk here, because we've got to get throught this. Then I realized I looked like a wet rat talking in the third person so it sounds like I'm talking to someone else and I'm laughing. Then I was like, well, I'm laughing so it's good. then I started thinking about how people will see things on the side of the road and invent weird over the top stories as to how they got there. Like, my mother used to notice cassette tapes all unwound and in tree branches, so she'd create a little ditty in her head like..blah this tape is SOO lame. looooser. so they stop the car and park it and climb up a tree, and the damn thing FOLLOWS! and it's all RAARRRR i'm gonna eat cha. and then the person is like listen to your daughter's face and stop telling this lame story. lame. as for the pink sparkily shoe, I just imagined a severe car accident and then a baby with these beautiful shoes came poppin fresh out of the windsheild and bounced on the pavement like a stuffed sausage. Like a baby Cinderella sausage. I laughed more.