notes to self

"Great Pumpkin Fiesta 2017"
it's not 2017
"I know but I say what I want when I want to"
no you don't
"I do when I'm alone"
fair enough
"we are gonna make , we are gonna scoop out a pumpkin and then make pumpkin pudding and then put it back in the pumpkin"
anything else
"we are all one. and I'm gonna make that pumpkin pudding with dates and coconut water and perhaps coconut meat" the other day I dropped my chap stick under the feet of my car. actually that's a falsity. just under my feet in my car. it had stuff on it like dirt and leaves, but I still use it. every idea we had helps us further the ideas we were having and that's not good. sometimes you need to find an idea from a spontaneous moment that wasn't connected to the mess of connection before. anything impossible is always possible, because polarity is just the bottom of an 8. and that's why were gonna put 8 dates in our pudding and call it the pumpkin pudding of eternity."
sometimes when you express yourself it alienates me
"Oh peeshaw said the person saying an onimana peea and then telling the other half of themselves to meet at the infinity symbol's midddle....and like stuff, mann."

ah. lately I've found that the only motivation for doing things is enjoyment or the feeling of time crushing me like those compactor walls in Star Wars where Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker are stuck in a garbage compactor. so I'm still with feet on ground, and I think that's good. cause I chose to be here, sometimes I find it disheartening to commit to the cause because everything I want others to understand is otherworldly seeming even though it happens right here on earth. or was that Indiana Jones?

Happy Full Moon. Last night I burned a list that I made during the dark moon of things that I will cultivate. The fire took off with such ferocity that it freaked me out and I stopped half way through and turned on the sink in which I had lit it.then I flushed the rest. During the dark moon I was very comfortable and had money in abundance and was even going to the bathroom in a toilet that had a phone next to it. it wasn't mine but it felt like it for the day. The house also had a movie theater in which my sister and I saw a late night flick. not two days after that I was looking at the prospect of if not for my sister's couch , being homeless, without a car. and I was eating bananas every day to save Money. Banana smoothies to be exact. now here I sit in my new old life with more than enough jobs and plenty to eat and a mind that kind rest with a car that works and a whole new found appreciation for everything in life. and the secret was to see that I was ok before too, but I missed having options. the very options that gave me a vague depression before because of their always being there, and my lack of disision. appearances can be diseving. you know one of the healthiest things you can do is eat bananas for every meal? it actually made me more than healthy. but where was I. I was burning this list, this list that I read every night up to the full moon cultivating the properties in and of my mind and sending them out into the empty space Vietcong for new breath. in a heroic world I would not have woos ed out when the fire got so so big while burning my paper. In a heroic world I would have marched out and lit the thing in my backyard and then thrown it into a small shrub type tree and watched the blaze and the night sky would turn to day ad then smoke would rise up to the heavens. but either way, I;m just as happy. It;s the process not the place your going. but you wont appreciate it anymore than you do right now, and you wont get anywhere that sounds good in a story of fortune without appreciation. This evening I am exploring my options by having movie night with a large salad and I built a fort in my living room, by myself. And I am just as happy as if I hadn't

well there are many things that are not going "right" in my life, but complaining about them seems old. I did let the rant out to my sisters though, the only people I share my everything with. Oh and Pete. he is an inocent bystandard to the all of my is that is me. I'd like to think like "oh wahhhh" I'm so very crazy, but no I just can really open up or really stay closed off and it's usually never a happy medium. I truly beleieve that mild manored people who seem to be mild manored all the time also have some raging inferno inside, some just deny it. I think I'm cool casue a mine, and it feels good to blow off steam and be sooooo ridiculous. But I only do it in front of "non threatening people". Yes I have not advanced enough in my spirit to feel non threatened by nobody, and I really wanna loose that. I think it stems from a feeling that people are out there that are really better than yourself,and you don't wanna feel dumb casue you have some low self esteem and feel dumb and of course all fears really seem to go back to a fear of death, or so it says in some books. But look when you see strangers, most people give you that tight lipped, I don't trust you, my guard is up, wide fearful eye look that they try to harden and juxtapose toughness on top. And yes, we do unfortunately live in a world where your little earthly body is in danger of other people wanting to hurt you. But random passers by, store clerks, the guy next to you at the gas pump, the bartender when you walk into a bar, even your friends..look at them, and you will see it. It would be so nice to over come that. Today as I was walking over a bridge in the rain I thought about the fear of dying and I knew that I would be a little worried if I suddenly had a heat attack..even though half of me was like "awesome a solution to my fincial problems!" I knew that there was no way I would ever jump off a bridge, not becasue I wanted to end my life, but to prove I'm not scared of dying. NO, I'm scared of pain, terrible, "oh my head just ripped off" pain, and like, I'm even scared of heights. They lead to femur fracture pain. I guess it's the bodies natural defense against everyone jumping off a bridge when they've hit a rough patch. By that bridge I saw that shoe I wanted to take a picture of ever since I saw it and I was all "Weell good thing I lost my job and my car broke down this morning and I am job searching on foot in a monsoon! or I could never take this picture of this sparkilkily pink shoe that belongs to some infant." then I started laughing telling myself on this journey I can not have any negative talk here, because we've got to get throught this. Then I realized I looked like a wet rat talking in the third person so it sounds like I'm talking to someone else and I'm laughing. Then I was like, well, I'm laughing so it's good. then I started thinking about how people will see things on the side of the road and invent weird over the top stories as to how they got there. Like, my mother used to notice cassette tapes all unwound and in tree branches, so she'd create a little ditty in her head like..blah this tape is SOO lame. looooser. so they stop the car and park it and climb up a tree, and the damn thing FOLLOWS! and it's all RAARRRR i'm gonna eat cha. and then the person is like listen to your daughter's face and stop telling this lame story. lame. as for the pink sparkily shoe, I just imagined a severe car accident and then a baby with these beautiful shoes came poppin fresh out of the windsheild and bounced on the pavement like a stuffed sausage. Like a baby Cinderella sausage. I laughed more.